Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Noah in 2005

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now

living in the United States, and said, "Once again,

the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I

see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing

along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6

months to build the Ark before I will start the

unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah

weeping in his yard - but no completed Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where

is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have

changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing

with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler

system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the

neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my

yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to

go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond

be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and

other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the

Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea

would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on

cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I

needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights

group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild

animals against their will. They argued the accommodation

was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put

so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until

they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your

proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human

Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to

hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the

green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist

I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building


To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,

claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally

with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10

years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,

and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up

in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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